Log in

No account? Create an account

(no subject)

Mar. 27th, 2012 | 06:04 pm
mood: nauseated nauseated

Sorry I haven't updated much, I've been miserable lately with the death flu. I'm getting internet turned on at home tomorrow so I'll write a longer entry then but two things...

1.  My picture made it to Barne's and Nobles website which is super surreal.


this is my original photo, they did a beautiful job with it on the cover though


and I finished the cover art for Joe Frawley's cd cover, the title will be "Tomb of the sleeping beauties"


Okay now I need sleeeep and rest, I'll update later when I feel better

stuff i need to finish working on

Mar. 19th, 2012 | 11:09 pm
mood: nostalgic nostalgic

I need to finish this picture

and by finish it I mean I need to re edit it.

I want to do a corpse bride photo, I still have the originals so I think I'm going to start over from scratch.

I've been getting a lot of mean comments for how skinny I was when I took this a couple weeks ago and people worrying that I wasn't eating right or eating enough. The past few months have been full of fighting, losing friends, fighting, getting yelled at, losing more friends. It's all been really hard for me, I made a bad decision and lost someone really important to me. I've been feeling overwhelmed and when I do, I don't feel like doing anything but sleeping, and I really don't feel like eating.  I'm much happier now  and more at peace with myself. I'm learning to not care about other people so much, to care for myself and that as long as I'm happy with the person I am, that's what matters.

I feel much happier, I'm trying to eat healthier, I've been on a fruit kick lately. I ate a pint of blueberries and four tangerines by myself the other night (soooo good. :])

I finally have a couch in my new place!  I'm slowly piecing everything together, I'm hoping to get some painting done tonight (I took a power nap earlier so I'm full of energy!)

I can't wait to have internet at home, I have to depend on the internet from my moms house and going back and forth is annoying. (aka I'm lazy)

I'm going to reread this book tonight I think, it's part of my collection of creepy, beautiful books. I love things that are tiny and strange, and I have a collection of books that are odd. 

I had more  but I gave some away to a friend, I'm so weird and so attached to my stuff, not all of it just random stuff, like a piece of jewelry, a book, my favorite comic book. I feel like it's a way of piecing together who I am, and who I want to be. It makes me feel better to have a collection of things close to me in a sad way, I cherish strange, random things and for me, giving up something to someone is special, I don't do it often if ever.

I finally uploaded this photo to my deviantart, it's kind of hard for me to do, there's a long, sad story behind it and I was super depressed when I took it, and confused. I guess I still am, some things don't change. I wish there was a switch to turn love on or off, it feels like someone is gripping my heart and squeezing it as hard as they can until it hurts...

I'm going to go be productive and read creepypasta to cheer myself up :]


Mar. 18th, 2012 | 12:57 pm

after two years I decided to start using my journal again. In the two years I've been gone so much has happened, I've lost people, gotten closer to people and lost them too. I've lost my three best friends in the world and as much as that hurt, I've gained so much too. Meeting my boyfriend was probably one of the best things that could have happened to me because it gave me a glimpse into what it's like to be with someone forever.

I also FINALLY started living on my own, and it's awesome. I've never lived alone in my life, I was always with my family, in a dorm, living with a boyfriend, living with my sister, living with my fiance, living at my moms after we broke up. I've always wanted to live on my own before I got married, since I was oh about 13 or so, I always felt like it would help me discover who I am and give me space to reflect on myself as a person. I look back now and realize I haven't been a very easy person to get along with but every day I'm getting a little better and a little more aware of my faults.

anyways this is my bedroom, the only room (other than the bathroom) I've really worked on so far, this is before I finished painting, it looks much better and less plain now. I'll take pictures when I get home.

of course then my brothers, my friend Arereya and my friend Jordan jacked my bed... I've been told it's very comfy.

that night was so funny, I was asleep and I heard someone come in, it was Dustin (my brother) and Jordan and I was like "okay I'm too tired to get up, they'll find somewhere to sleep" and we had my cushions from this futon couch thing I have and Dustin was putting them on the floor and just as I'm drifting off to sleep I hear ...

Dustin: "Okay build yourself a bed out of these"
Jordan: "This isn't $#%^ing minecraft"

I had to wake up because I was laughing so hard.

those lights/flowers on my frame are the same one from this photo:

they look so beautiful lit up though because the light makes them sparkle

I had to untwist every light and twist them onto a string of icicle lights, it was sooo tedious. My original plan was to buy a blue rope light and wrap it around my headboard but I kind of ran out of money so I had to MacGyver my way into a pretty bedroom with what i have. :) I'll take a picture when I get home, I hung a dream catcher above my bed. I grew up with dream catchers in my room (my dad spent a lot of time with his grandpa, a full blooded pawnee man so he passed a lot of that stuff onto me when I was a child.)

Life lately has been difficult, it's taken a lot from me but it's given a lot back, more than anything this past year has given me clarity, to see my actions and their repercussions and to see my faults and be able to improve on them. More than anything I want to stop assuming people are out to hurt me and I want to think of others more, I want to see things from how they're thinking, feeling and experiencing them. Most of all though, I want to be a positive person, I want to be that person that makes someone smile when they walk in a room and I want to be always happy, and smiling too.

Life is so beautiful, and lovely. It's the most precious gift we're ever given and I want to enjoy every remaining second of my life, I want my life to be filled with love and happiness. <3

And no matter how much I've been hurt
And what became the thing that hurts me
I can't stop for anyone

It's fine if I only find a little bit of light
Even if today's sun doesn't rise
"The falling rain will someday cease, won't it..."

"That's right, this rain will someday cease, won't it..."


An entry for the new year..

Jan. 24th, 2010 | 01:28 am
mood: restless restless

In this past year I've realized..

Nothing is unforgivable

I'm lucky to have the people I have in my life

My dreams are never going to give me any peace, I should stop hoping..

It's okay to admit that someone has really touched my life, I tried to pretend it didn't matter for so long and ran away from my feelings to try to hide them from the world, it feels relieving to admit to how I feel.

Sometimes opening your life to your greatest dreams means opening them to your greatest of nightmares too...

I can sleep 12 hours and it still isn't enough...

There is no such thing as loving one person more than another, the heart can love again and again without lessening or losing part of itself

I feel sick to my stomach every time someone casually asks if I'm still with my boyfriend.

If I wasn't with my current boyfriend I would be alone, willingly until I died.

I'm either too hard on myself or not hard enough.

I refuse to ever attend another funeral again. I've also skipped a couple funerals where the person killed themselves. I couldn't get over the overwhelming feeling of guilt, that I could have done something..

first one

Jan. 8th, 2010 | 06:56 pm
mood: giddy giddy

since christmas

well since before christmas I am afraid, I need to keep this better updated.

I had a pretty good christmas, I got to see a lot of people I don't see around the rest of hte year and I ordered some awesome contacts for photos, I'm so excited for the shoots to come.

What did everyone else do?

survey times :D

Dec. 18th, 2009 | 11:24 pm
location: Mars
mood: giddy giddy
music: Mayonaka Ni Kawashita Yakusoku - Malice Mizer

x= yes

?= in the past, but not anymore or other

[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.

[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.

[x] I have many scars. (and I mean a LOT)

[x ] I tan easily.v
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.

[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.

[ ] I have a tattoo.

[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.

[ x]I have/I've had braces.

[] I wear glasses.

[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.

[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.

[ ] I have more than 2 piercing.

[x] I have piercing in places besides my ears. (does piercing my own hand count? :D)

[x] I have freckles.

Family/Home Life

[] I've sworn at my parents.

[] I've run away from home.

[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.

[] My biological parents are together.

[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.

[x] I want to have kids someday.

[ ] I've had children.

[ ] I've lost a child.


[x] I'm in school.

[] I have a job.

[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.

[x] I almost always do my homework.

[x] I've missed a week or more of school.

[ ] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.

[ ] I failed more than 1 class last year.

[] I've stolen something from my job/school.

[ ] I've been fired.


[x] I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation.

[x] Disney movies still make me cry.

[x] I've peed from laughing.   (LOL  I had a kidney infection, not my fault)

[x] I've snorted while laughing.

[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.

[x] I've glued my hand to something.

[x] I've had my pants rip in public.


[ ?] I was born with a disease/impairment. (I had pneumonia as a toddler?)

[ ] I've gotten stitches/staples.

[ ] I've broken a bone.

[] I've had my tonsils removed.

[x] I've sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.

[x ] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.

[ ] I had a serious surgery. Narrowly avoided having my stomach pumped though

[x] I've had chicken pox.


[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.

[ ] I've been on a plane.

[] I've been to Canada.

[ ] I've been to Mexico.

[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.

[ ] I've been to Japan.

[ ] I've celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

[ ] I've been to Europe.

[ ] I've been to Africa.


[x] I've gotten lost in my city.

[ x] I've seen a shooting star.

[x ] I've wished on a shooting star  (and my wish came true. :)

[ ] I've seen a meteor shower.

[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.

[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.

[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts. (Not on purpose!  ;-; )

[ ] I've been to a casino.

[ ] I've been skydiving.

[x] I've gone skinny dipping.

[x] I've played spin the bottle.

[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.

[ ] I've crashed a car.

[] I've been Skiing.

[x] I've been in a play.

[x] I've met someone in person from myspace.

[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.

[ ] I've seen the Northern lights.

[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.

[x] I've played chicken.

[x] I've played a prank on someone.

[x] I've ridden in a taxi.

[] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

[x] I've eaten sushi.

[ ] I've been snowboarding.


[] I'm single.

[x] I'm in a relationship.

[ ] I'm engaged.

[ ] I'm married.

[x] I've gone on a blind date.

[x] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.

[x] I miss someone right now.

[x] I have a fear of abandonment.

[ ] I've gotten divorced.

[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.

[] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.

[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.

[x ] I've kept something from a past relationship.


[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.

[x] I've had a crush on a teacher.

[x] I am a cuddler.

[ x] I've been kissed in the rain.

[x] I've hugged a stranger.

[] I have kissed a stranger.


[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.

[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.

[x ] I've snuck out of my house.

[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.

[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.

[] I've cheated while playing a game.

[] I've cheated on a test.

[ ] I've run a red light.

[ ] I've been suspended from school.

[] I've witnessed a crime.

[ ] I've been in a fist fight.

[ ] I've been arrested.


[x] I've consumed alcohol.

[ ] I regularly drink.

[ ] I've passed out from drinking.

[ ] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.

[] I've smoked weed

[x] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them. (long time ago, I overdosed and put myself in the hospital, it was years and years ago though so no worries)

[] I've eaten shrooms.

[ ] I've popped E.

[ ] I've inhaled Nitrous.

[ ] I've done hard drugs.

[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.

[ ] I can't swallow pills.

[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.

Death and Suicide

[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.

[x] I have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.

[ x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.

[?] I take anti-depressants. (I was on zoloft, seroquel, and prozac for years)

[? ] I'm anorexic or bulimic.    

[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.

[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.

[x] I've woken up crying.

Death and Suicide

[x] I'm afraid of dying.

[x] I hate funerals.

[x] I've seen someone dying.

[x] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.

[x] Someone close to me has committed suicide.

[x] I've planned my own suicide.

[x] I've attempted suicide.

[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself.   (isit bad if this made me lol?)


[] I own over 5 rap CDs.

[x] I own an iPod or MP3 player.

[x ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.

[ ] I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.

[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.

[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.

[x] I collect comic books.

[] I own something from The Gap.

[x] I own something I got on e-bay.

[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.v


[??] I can sing well.   uhhhh I have no idea?  I've studied singing for years but I don't know if I'm a good singer

[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.

[x] I open up to others easily.

[ ] I watch the news.

[x] I don't kill bugs.

[ x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.

[x] I curse regularly.

[x] I sing in the shower.

[ ] I am a morning person.

[ ] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.

[ ] I'm a snob about grammer.

[ ] I am a sports fanatic.

[x] I twirl my hair.

[ ]I have "x"s in my screen name.

[] I love being neat.

[ ] I love Spam

[ ] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day

[x] I bake well.

[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue.

[x] I've worn pajamas to school.

[] I like Martha Stewart.

[ ] I know how to shoot a gun.

[x ] I am in love with love.

[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.

[x] I laugh at my own jokes.

[ ] I eat fast food weekly

[ x] I believe in ghosts.

[x] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.

[ x] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.

[x]I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.

[x] I am really ticklish.

[] I love white chocolate.

[ ] I bite my nails.

[x] I play video games. resident evil 5 whhhhut? :D

[x] I'm good at remembering faces.

[] I'm good at remembering names.

[ ] I'm good at remembering dates.

[] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.



So, here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)

2. Put it on shuffle

3. Press play

4. For every question, type the song that's playing

5. When you go to a new question, press the next button

6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool... and alot of the songs fit with the setting

Opening Credits:

"Transylvania" - Malice Mizer

Waking Up:

"There is" Boxcar Racer

First Day At School:

"Madrigal" - Malice Mizer

Falling In Love:

"Tsuki no Uta"  Gackt Camui

Fight Song:

"Scream" The misfits   (damn I must be scary to fight)

Breaking Up:

"Falling down" -the birthday massacre

Prom night:

"Mirror" - Gackt   (even though I never went to prom. >.>  )


"Ludi Invalidi remix"  -Tatu

Mental Breakdown:

"Unspoken"  Lacuna Coil


"Roygbiv"   Boards of canada  


"Bad habit"  - The dresden dolls   (this brings back flashbacks alright ...  >.> )

Getting back together:

"No one" -  Alicia Keys


"Because the night"  - 10,000 maniacs

Birth of Child:

"Unfamiliar"  -The birthday massacre

Final Battle:

"All along the watchtower"  Bear McCreary.   apparently I'm fighting cylons.

Funeral Song:

We already decided, this one shall be " Kyomu No Naka De Yuugi" - malice mizer with Rees playing every instrument at once in full costume and singing the female vocals :)

Final Credits:

Mayonaka Ni Kawashita Yakusoku - Malice Mizer

He waits for you

Dec. 18th, 2009 | 11:00 am
location: Mars
mood: loved loved
music: Hoshi no suna - gackt

www.youtube.com/watch This song gives me chills every time. I think if I ever met anyone who could sing so beautifully, I would be like "Okay, let's elope", even if they were the most hideous creature ever. I have really warped standards. xD Speaking of which,  if I wasn't in a relationship with someone I love very much, I would probably do this. It would be interesting to meet a creature so enamoured with me, and sort of endearing.

He Waits for You

  As the dead of winter approaches, you may find yourself alone at night, feeling isolated and abandoned in an all-too-empty bed as the night grows ever bleaker. Ghastly shadows, dancing across the wall. The crying wind battering against your window. An ambulance siren in the distance. And there’s no one there to convince you that you didn’t hear those gunshots. There’s no one there. No one there.

 But do not be afraid. He waits for you.

Wait for the moon to hide itself, perhaps behind a gathering of clouds. Midnight is the best time to do this. Just close your eyes and hold your breath as you leave your bed. You may open your eyes once you exit your bedroom. Get dressed if you like, because you’ll be leaving your house soon. Take nothing with you, except for what you can keep in your pockets. Then, drive out of town. Drive as far away from civilization as you possibly can. Eventually, the air will become still. Then a dense fog will form just a short way down the road. You will hear nothing but silence as you approach it. Let it consume you and your vehicle. No harm will come to you from it. I promise.

 Do not be afraid. He waits for you.

 The fog will lift. You will see a dimly-lit motel, stranded and alone in the night. Just like you. As you walk inside, notice that there is no one else there. The only sign of human inhabitance will be a small key on the front desk. Take these keys. Wander the corridors until you find the proper room. You will soon know exactly where it is. But you won’t know why. Use your key to enter this room. Walk in, and lie down in the bed. It’s no more comforting than your bed at home. There’s nothing but pure silence for miles. Death hangs in the air all around you. And it’s so cold. You’re still alone. And frightened. But it’s okay. He’s frightened, too. And it’s just so cold. Cold enough to hold the pillow close to your body, burying your face in its softness and embracing it. Pretend that it’s a lover all you want; you won’t feel any safer. But you will feel… warmer?

 Open your arms, lift up your head! The warmth… is his arms. Two twisted, mutilated arms, tracing down your body. There he is. And he’s frightened, too. You can see it in his blackened, spherical eyes, fixating upon your face and twinkling with the light of another dimension. The light shines in specks from beneath his parched skin, making him glow from the inside. Bruises cover his decaying neck, as well as deep, finger-wide indents. It’s as if someone had tried to strangle him. He sighs, and softly caresses your face. The skin of his hands begins to flake off onto you, and you want to sweep it away. But you’re stunned, completely stunned by this strange creature that’s completely enamored by you. At least you’re not alone anymore. You’ll then gather enough will to take your hands, and gently lift him off you, placing him to your side.

You get a better look at him. His legs are disturbingly crooked, having been broken in so many places, and healed in ways that they just weren’t meant to. And he won’t stop staring at you. Small, glistening tears drip from his eyes. He shivers and trembles, trying to form words with his torn mouth. You can’t tell exactly what he’s trying to tell you. It doesn’t matter for now, anyway. He will want to touch you, to hold and to comfort you. Whatever pain you have ever felt from loneliness, whatever sorrow you may have felt in your entire life, he feels it. His tears fall onto you, and he lies back in submission. He will let you do anything you want to him. He knows that no matter what you do, it will never hurt him as much as what the others have done. It will never hurt him as much as the isolation he’s felt in this motel. As you gaze upon his twinkling eyes, you may gain a sudden urge to mutilate him, and punish him for existing the way he does. But please, be kind. He loves you, after all.
Spend the night with him. He’ll let you do anything, and he won’t be able to speak. But be sure to leave the room before sunrise. He will do everything in his power to keep you from leaving.
He will grab onto you, cry, and scream at you. Tears will keep gushing from his glowing eyes, disintegrating his skin even further. But no matter how much you pity him, leave! Resist him, and leave! If you don’t, you will be forever trapped, and doomed to live the same existence that he does. Do not let him follow you. Just close the door behind you, and lock it.
You’re alone again. Next thing you know, you’ll wake up in your bed at home, some time after the sun is risen. The events of last night will feel as if it were nothing but a dream. Everything in your home is where you left it last. Your car, your clothes, everything. Then, if you are lucky, something incredible will happen. Within a few days, you just might meet a new person. This person has everything you want, and it’s as if they were made for you.
Within time, the two of you will fall in love. You will almost forget the ghoul in the motel, and forget about those glowing eyes staring at you. All that will matter is that you will be in love with this wonderful new person, and they will love you.
But once they move in with you, things will grow progressively stranger. As you lie together in bed, you might hear a faint scratching on the door, and an all-too-familiar cry. But do not worry, your companion will keep you from becoming too worried about it. The next night, the cry might become a shriek.

The scratching will become a pounding. And only you can hear it. No matter how hard you try to convince your partner of what you hear, they will only tell you to go back to sleep.
And one night, you will notice that the noises have vanished. Nights will be peaceful again, and it will just be you and your partner. But from then on, you will constantly look upon your lover’s eyes. You will notice a new glow in their eyes, twinkling with the light of another dimension…

 Do not be afraid. He’s waited so long for you.  

everything you do is a ballon

Dec. 17th, 2009 | 11:38 pm
location: Mars
mood: loved loved
music: Everything you do is a balloon - boards of canada

www.youtube.com/watch There is nothing worse than meeting someone who makes you feel like you can't be yourself , not because you're worried about what they'll think, but because everything comes out wrong. Has anyone else had this happen? I've found mine.

I got some shooting done today, I wanted to do some mermaid pictures but it didn't work out so I had to do some of my terrible photomanipulations.  I think I want to invest in a net from a craft store and a mermaid costume some day and do it because it does seem like it would be a really fun idea. Ugh, I had a weird experience shooting this. I had a halogen light plugged in overhead for some extra lighting, and when I went to take it down it slipped and fell, it stopped about a foot shy of the water and electrocuting me. I don't know what stopped it, but I thank whoever is up there that it did, no pictures are worth dying for.

Then later because I was still a little shaken up and stressed out from...well almost electrocuting myself, I started scrubbing the kitchen down, and between the chemicals from that, from scrubbing my hands too hard and using hand santizer, I gave myself some chemical burns. my hands are in agony, the only way typing is bearable is because I don't have to bend anything too much, but my hands are lobster red and have little tiny boils. it's really kind of depressing, I need to be nicer to myself and calm down a little. I finally found the musicians who do the music for salad fingers!  Boards of canada is officially my new sleep music. (I love falling asleep to music, it helps me calm down, and with my imagination it's really interesting.)

  Okay, it's time for me to sleep so I leave you with one more picture. =d

ps:  I'll credit the stocks used on my deviantart, the main image, model and everything is me though.


Dec. 17th, 2009 | 12:13 am
location: United States, Pennsylvania, Mars
mood: sleepy sleepy
music: illuminati - Malice Mizer

I'll fix this later